Hi, How Are You?

 

It's been a long time since I've last updated this page. I'm still here but I took quite a life beating and I had a heard time trying to get back on track with all of the stuff that's been happening for the past three years.

warning: dark thoughts ahead

Cosplay have always been my motivation to keep going. It is through this hobby that I managed to build confidence and keep myself going. But then the chaotic 2020 happened followed by one crisis after another and it's so hard to keep up with life. When the lockdown happened you'd think I would have more time to submerge myself into my hobbies and learn a new skill or two but it only managed to extinguish what little fire has left within me. I lost passion in almost everything I used to love to do and spiraled into self sabotage with so much hatred to myself and the world around me. 

I tried to distract myself with art but page after page didn't lessen my urge to tear everything apart every time I see what I created. Crafting can't even distract me from my loud inner demons and I had to stop or else I'll end up destroying whatever I've already started. I just want everything to shut down including my brain. I resorted to games and show bingeing, where my brain can just shut down and consume whatever's fed in front of me. It is a perfect distraction and it's because of Genshin Impact, IDV and the people I've met through these games that I managed to get through whatever dark place I was before.

It's still pretty dark here but I've been trying to get my spark back. I tried drawing again and despite the occasional hiccups, I'm loving my art again. The feeling of lines gliding through the canvass from your fingers feels good again. I finally managed to finish the costume that I've been working on since 2019 and I was able to attend my very first con since the pandemic happened wearing it. At the moment, I felt so alive. I almost forgot what it feels like standing and walking on heels for hours. It was a good type of pain, I slept soundly on that dull throb tingling in my toes. 

I've also done a few workout sessions and can plank for a minute again. I've also started buying, reading and actually finishing reading a book. These are the things that I can't even do without being frustrated or destructive not so long ago.

Every day is still a struggle. There are days where it's still harder to wake up than most but when I do, I feel proud. After I get through the day, it's an accomplishment.

Baby steps...

No matter how small that goal is if it's something you want to attain, it's valid.

Your feelings are valid.

Don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

You can do this

We can do this

Fighting

xoxo

Bunny Iinchou

Please excuse my typo, this was written out of pure emotion. I'm afraid if I get back to it to review, I might just delete and replace everything with something more pretentious. I want to get back to this someday a better person and in a better place.